I wish I could tag my dogs ๐
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
Whose design makes it look as though they reek of urine and egg farts? This cunts…
https://ift.tt/2wlcxbF
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.
Support your local mailman
On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash. At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars. At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by an attractive woman in her lingerie. She took him up to her bedroom and made fabulous love to him. When he was satisfied, she brought him downstairs to the kitchen, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, with eggs benedict and bacon and waffles and pancakes and Espresso. While he enjoyed it, she went to her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and presented it to him. "All this was lovely," John said, "but whatโs the dollar for?" "Well," the woman said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "fuck him. Give him a dollar." "Breakfast was my idea!"
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.
I lost interest in that relationship
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
What concert costs just 45 cent?
50 Cent ft. Nickelback
What do you get when you lick a Toyota?
The corolla virus.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Today I got gas for $1.49!
..At Taco Bell.
This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: “What’s the matter?”…
"I found out my brother is gay" The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?" "I found out that my son is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?" "I found out that my dad is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?" "Apparently my wife does."
In a lot of ways Iโm like Nichola Tesla.
Iโm bad at marketing.
I donโt often tell Dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar inโฆ
Itโs currently half emptyโฆ
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A nun plays golf and takes the Lord’s name in vain
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?" "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a Talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not Relaxing?" "Far from it, "snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today." "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a Bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee." "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs My ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this Hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his talons !" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile? "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier
They were talking about the bravery of their sailors. The Russian said, โI will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.โ He calls a sailor over and says, โJump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back upโ. The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, โThat gentlemen, is courage" The American says that's nothing. He calls over a PO and says, "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return". The PO salutes jumps off the bow, swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, โThat gentlemen, is courage" The British admiral says, โThat's nothing. Sailor, come here!". The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, โI want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says, โYou can fuck right off". The admiral turns to the other two and says, โAnd that gentlemen, is courage"
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
A kid walks into a whore house carrying a dead frog..
A kid walks into a whore house with a dead frog. He goes to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The man at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts $100 bill on the counter and the man replies, ok what do you want? The kid says, I want to have sex with the girl here that has the most STD's I can get. We don't have women like that here sorry buddy. The kid then puts another $100 bill on the table. Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left. The kid comes out of the room after awhile and as he's walking out the front door the man stops him. Hey kid, why in the world would you do that? You basically just killed yourself. The kid looks up at him and says, I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter. My parents are going to come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter. My dad will come home and he will fuck my mom. My dad will leave for work in the morning and the mail man will come and my mom will fuck the mail man and that's the mother fucker who ran over my frog.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didnโt know she even sold flowers!
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
This is a mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
Did you here about the man who broke his funny bone?
They soaked it in water and it became a laughing stock.
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals donโt exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because youโve taken my breath away.
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?
Because they have 3 periods a game.