I wish it was that simple
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
A man went to confession.
"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic." "Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." "Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?" "Of course, my son." "Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I told my wife I was thinking about buying an expensive watch.
Her: How expensive? Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000. Her: You could buy a car for that! Me: That's a bit excessive — I don't think it needs its own car.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
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I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
What keeps ants from getting coronavirus?
It's their little anty bodies.
A fortune teller told me I’d suffer awful heart break in 12 years.
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying “We value your privacy.”
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France?
All that was left was de Brie.
I saw an all-male choir performing on the weekend. I said…
…"There are 99 people in that choir." My son, who was with me, asked, "Wow dad! How did you count them so quickly?" I replied, "They are singing "Africa" by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do."
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
I once wanted to do biochem research… Turns out I didn’t pass the vibe check.
https://ift.tt/38nW58h
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.