I wish this was made up.
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
Bread is like the sun
it rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist
What happened in Hong Kong this week?
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
My wife said I should put the mask on if I’m leaving the house – and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
What do the movies titanic and the six sense have in common
Icy dead people
What do you call supersonic yoghurt?
https://ift.tt/2Kx7Tv9
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
It was the least I could do for him.
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
Told my friend I wanted a cup of coffee.
He said, "One sugar?" I said, "Yes, just the one cup. And don't call me sugar."
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
Why are physicists so serious all the time?
They understand the gravity of the situation.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that