I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
Never fight dinosaurs..
Youâll get Jurasskicked
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
Why can’t pencils move?
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp…
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp. Inside is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. "I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. "I want to go home, too," says the second friend. The genie sends her back home. "I'm lonely," says the third friend. "I sure wish my friends were back here."
A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Lego Land
The damage is expected to be about 50 square blocks
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during womenâs matches.
I told her Iâll try not doing it again.
I’ll name my child $2y$10$ugTh9EyUvedMTndo0PvF4.YKZaHX6OsMirqjR6ApgASNPrRikwBGS
https://ift.tt/2WcbTYa
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
Oh god guys, Iâm hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isnât Christopher Robin my house
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
A kid asks his mom âMom? What is dark Humor?â
She responds: âsee that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.â The kid replies: âbut mom, Iâm blind!â Mom: âExactly.â
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Why didnât the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
A guy walks into a bar and sees a girl.
Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The Mechanical engineer says: – "It's a broken starter". The Electrical engineer says: – "Dead battery". The Chemical engineer says: – "Impurities in the Gasoline" The IT engineer says: – "Hey guys, i have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldnât control her pupils.