I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
Classic joke for our Muslim friends today
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
What is a pirates favourite musical note?
The high C.
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, “Of course.” To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn’t hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. “Of course,” says the old man, “when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.”
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnPlease post all potty IT jokes
My son is such anungrateful piece of shit.
I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
When I was a kid, I told my mother I wanted to be a drummer in a rock and roll band when I grew up and she said…
"Well honey, you can't do both."
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
