I would like to make chemistry jokes on this subreddit
But all the good ones Argon
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “no, but I know where I am”. The cop replies “well you were going 70 in a 35 zone” and Heisenberg says “great! Now I’m lost!” Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says “hey, you know there’s a dead cat back there?” and Schrödinger replies “great! You’ve ruined the whole thing!”. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrödinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
Bro you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!" I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!" The wedding is next month
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
I was just in my local supermarket…
Saw a fellow whose trolley was full to the brim with hand sanitiser, baby wipes, soaps, toilet paper; everything that people are in need of. I called him a selfish b*stard and gave him a lecture about the elderly and infirm etc. who need these types of things. Told him he should be ashamed of himself! He said: "That’s all good and well mate, but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?”
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya later
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?
It was about a weak back.
It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
I was going to make a depressing joke.
But my parents already made one.
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?
Talk about head over heels!
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
My Dad made the best (or worst) Dad joke at our Christmas Dinner
Cousin: I really want a dog this year. Wife: What kind do you want? Cousin: I’m really wanting a poodle. My Dad: Just wait until it rains. There will be plenty of “poudles” around. Everyone else : 🙄
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work
"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress." "Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor. "Now, I want you to take off my bra." "Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side. "And Jeeves, remove my panties." "Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor. "Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
