I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me.
And I would like to thank my fingers because I can always count on them.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children — he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
A car full of Irish nuns
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
BC now stands for “Before Coronavirus”
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
People say circumcision doesn’t hurt, but i have to disagree.
I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year. So check your facts.
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
Taking things literally
is stealing.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
Someone stole my gate
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
People say I pronounce my b’s and v’ like a Russian…
Then Soviet…