I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I don’t have enough karma
Why was the broom late to work?
It overswept
When you die, which part of your body is the last to die?
Pupils. They dilate.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
So I had an interview last year
The interviewer: You answers should be quick Me: Ok Interviewer: what is 1490/52? Me:quick
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
https://ift.tt/38wtaz4
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
R.I.P Boiling water,
You will be mist.
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.
He said: "Gil… remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"
I quit my job at McDonald’s today…
Boss was a clown
I like my women like I like my toasters.
Turned on and in the tub with me.
My parents say this sub will turn me into my father.
My bio says otherwise
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
What color is the wind??
Blew!
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst Käse scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later
6:30 is my favorite time. Hands down.
No text found
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
I found out today my toaster isn’t waterproof.
I was shocked.
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.