I WRITE ALL MY PUNS IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.
You want milk with your bean water?
You want milk with your bean water?
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
Why should you leave the restroom if someone walks in playing Pokemon Go?
Because they might be trying to catch a pikachu.
So, no nut November has been over for about a week…
About how long should it take for them to grow back?
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in…
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her. Stranger: What is your name, sad lady Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it. Edit: Wow, thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
My friend started making art out of marijuana…
It’s pretty dope
What are some funny fake user agents I could use to mess with our IT guys?
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO