I write songs about sewing machines…
I’m a Singer songwriter.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
Student: “Hey can you check this to see if it’s right?” Student hands me their writing. Me, holding their paper upside down: “well, first of all, it’s written upside down.” And then I give it back to them and walk away as if nothing happened.
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
I was Gherkin off
You're still using fowl language.
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
No text found
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
It took me thirty years to get here.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
Because they are really good at it.
It's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
He was so full of himself.
so we started using lubricant
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Take the ring off and the house is gone
I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta