I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
I just heard that Kim Jong-Un is sick
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
My teachers said I couldnβt do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far Iβve made two bowls and a vase.
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but itβs already been changed three times today.
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I finally figured out whatβs wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
Dating is a lot like fishing…
Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
βDad, what are condoms for?β
βUsually to avoid answering questions like these.β
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
Went to the swimming pool the other day and desperately need to pee so just peed in the pool
Got such a fright when the lifeguard blew his whistle that I nearly fell in..
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say itβs really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Her: Iβm pregnant.
Me: Are you kidding?? Her: Technically, Yes.
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. "Who is it?" "It's Mark." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in." At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But Iβm thinking of giving it a shot.
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
Wife: βIβm pregnant.β
Me: βHi Pregnant, Iβm Dad.β Wife: βNo youβre not.β