I wrote ten puns to try and win a pun writing contest at work today.
"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"
The plot thickens.
so I went home.
They made a racist joke.
By their name. Don’t be a dick.
God tells him "Because of your excellent behaviour in life, I will grant you one wish, you can ask me anything." The man says "Okay, Tell me who killed JFK?" God says "It was Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone, using his own rifle" The man says "Wow, this goes higher up than I thought"
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
A so-be-it union.
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
Because they lactose.
Put a little boogie in it
Kikkoman when he's down, I guess.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
They took him into custardy
I don’t know y
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "WATCH THE WATCH — WATCH THE WATCH —- WATCH THE WATCH." The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotised. And then suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "SHIT," said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited there again
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
It was a waist of time.
It always was my achilles elbow.
"No, the regular kind."