I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
Buzz busted.
Buzz busted.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
Trump is visiting a school and walks into a classroom.
The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
A pirate walks into a bar.
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
I just had to divorce an Apple employee
It was an iDivorce
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with…
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .” “Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.” As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.” “Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.” “Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.” “More'n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that‟s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?” “Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Why did the blind man fall in a well?
Because he couldn’t see that well
(NSFW) I just heard a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was Motherfucking Gold.
Are camo jokes not a thing anymore?
I can't see them anywhere.
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
I was tortured by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you call a fight between an immigrant an a priest?
Alien vs. predator.