I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.
I tried.
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
A snail walks into a car dealership. The car salesman greets the snail politely and asks what he’s looking for. The snail says that he just wants a really fast car and the salesman shows him the ones with a high max speed…
He slaps the roof of one and says, "This is the last one that’s built for speed." The snail says, “This is perfect, but there’s one thing I want you to do first.” The car salesman was confused. “What?” The snail said, “I want you to paint a big red S on it.” The car salesman was even more confused. “Why?” Chuckling, the snail said, “So when people see me driving, they would say, ‘look at that S car go!’”
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults.”
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
It’s really been getting out of hand.
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
The self-cannibal at work got into trouble for making fun of me.
He really put his foot in his mouth.
Why did the T-Rex only sell handguns
Because he is a small arms dealer
You shuold be be able to edit titles
Edit: should
What do we want…? Low altitude flyovers!
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
Poor bastard.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.
"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine!" He explains, "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
