I yelled “cow!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
Am I just overthinking or do others also feel like this
Am I just overthinking or do others also feel like this
It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
2 christians were stranded in a desert.
The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty. In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where. John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them. John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names. Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed. They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair. The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling
A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.
"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late." Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this problem after class. Then second late student came. "I am really sorry I came late. I overslept my alarm, but I got to my horse and galloped here as fast as I could. And suddenly in the middle of the town square my horse died, so I had to walk the rest of the way." Teacher doesn't believe this either. But before he can say anything a third late student appears in the class. "Let me guess. You wanted to came here on your horse, but it died. Am I right?" asks the teacher. "What? No. I went by tram as usual. But we were delayed, because on the town square are 2 dead horses lying in the track."
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
Twobearculousis
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
What’s the difference between an American teenage girl and an Arabian teenage girl?
The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "…..but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "…Scr*w him ………give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "….But the breakfast was my idea."
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers ?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man,
So I stuck it in her ass and said, “Yeah, you like that Steve.”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
To the guy who invented zero:
Thanks for nothing!
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer…?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Why do you sneak around in leather armor?
Because it is made of hide.
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cause you’re blocking the TV