Icing good
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
https://ift.tt/2MOn701
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
My friends always get mad at me when I steal their kitchen utensils
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take
I walked into my girlfriends bedroom yesterday without knocking.
As I walked in I heard her whisper to herself “I’m ugly.” I responded “I’m pregnant.” She was confused so I confessed, “I thought we were saying things the were impossible.”
I say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
Rest in peace to boiling water
You will be mist
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didn’t stop ringing
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store…
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?