I’d Like to Remind You…
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…
…then my illegal logging business is a success. This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about. "Why have you not multiplied?" he asked. To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders." Noah being a quick thinker went off into the woods to fell some trees, and fastened them together into a platform. He then placed the snakes on the platform and lo and behold the snakes immediately laid a clutch of eggs Because you see, even adders can multiply on a log table
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
โโI wโโas fโโucking mโโy sโโecretary uโโp tโโhe aโโrse wโโhen mโโy wโโife wโโalked iโโn
She sโโaid, "โโYou cโโan't dโโo tโโhis tโโo mโโe!" I sโโaid, "โโI kโโnow… tโโhat's wโโhy Iโโ'm dโโoing iโโt tโโo hโโer.
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, โYouโre in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?โ The horse ponders for a minute and responds, โI donโt think I am.โ And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, โ I think therefore I am.โ But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Whatโs the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
My father has schizophrenia…
…but heโs good people…
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but itโs rare.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you donโt.
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
The Minotaur is really stubborn….
You can say he's bull-headed.
A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store…
..and asks, โW-w-w-whatโs y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?โ The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: โW-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?โ Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: โW-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?โ And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, โwhy wouldnt you answer that guyโs question?โ The clerk answers, โD-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!โ
I know someone who talks like an owl
No text found
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
And then she gave me a huge hug.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
No wonder Finland won so many Formula 1 races…
They owned the Finnish line.
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific