I’d like to tell you my corona virus joke.
Hopefully you won't get it.
You probably aren't thinking straight.
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
This joke has me dead.
"Supplies!" I'll see myself out
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
Like bro you were there wtf
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test…
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
“Thank goodness,” he says. “It was imaginary.”
It was bread in captivity.
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
and it doesn't.
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Husband: helping the kids pack a suitcase look I'm as surprised as you are
That's the spirit.
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
You live like this?
Anna 1 Anna 2
About two Brazilian
Cos it's a sin.
It’s pasture bedtime.
Dinner is on me
I call it my trail mix.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam." the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
Me: "That's literally all I drink."