I’d lose my shit if someone snuck laxatives into my food
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I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
What’s the heights of over confidence
. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.” DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?” Caller: “Goan… spelt G-O-A-N pronounced ‘go-an’.” DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Goan fuck yourself!” The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until: DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?” Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.” DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?” Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced ‘smee’.” DJ: “You are correct, Jeff, ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?” Caller: “Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!”
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
Spicy Marriage
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick.
Seriously… How low can you go?
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Anyone Can Fall in Love
There were two antennas on top of a skyscraper collecting radio signals. They meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding wasn’t much to talk about, but the reception was excellent. 😜
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
Can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
Redditors: please be careful this holiday season
Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots … I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
Trump educates himself about the subject before talking about it
…. Thats the whole joke
My wife said “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”
It was a third degree burn
What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
Ba na na na
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
