I’d rather get it cold.
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail
My sewing instructor tells me that I am the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit….wrong thread.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently?
He pasta way.
A man named Ranger
A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home. “Walk or text us Ranger.”
Soap Dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood… sure enough he drops the second bar of Soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God – Hand Lotion too!
The salesman asked me , “so which mattress do you want?”.
I said , “it’s a big decision, I need to sleep on it”.
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Feeling a need for change, I got a new lamp
Really helped me see things in a different light
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
Well, to be Frank, i’d have to change my name
No text found
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him “Did you go to Harvard?”
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Saving a Christian
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
What do you call a chubby psychic?
A four chin teller
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree…
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France
That place was giving me the crêpes
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
A meander-thal.
