idk how he came to this conclusion
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
ammo against the republican logic 😁
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Why are kleptomaniacs the best baseball players?
They steal all of the bases.
Ever happened with you?
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
The Master Programmer
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
Not really satisfying but ok
A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed, and so he asks the guy, "Where the fuck did you get this?" The guy replies, "I asked this genie. You can ask for something if you want, but be careful, he don't hear very well." The bartender greedily snatches the lamp out of the guy's hands and says, "I want a million bucks!" All of a sudden, POOF, a million ducks appear in the bar. The bartender who is outraged asks, "What the hell? I asked for BUCKs, not DUCKs?!" The guy says, "I told you, he doesn't hear very well. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
Technology bad Book Good
Happy Veterans Day!
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Everything comes with a price!
It’s All Yours, Baby!
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
Gotta one those libs
Technology bad >:(
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
"I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"
So it works…
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
I shame those silly n00bs that dont know all the metric system prefixes
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
If only I had a staple wage.
Yes, i programme PHP…
There’s a bright side to everything
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
Husband to wife. ”Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm.”
Wife, “I don’t like calling you at work.”
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
Trying to look smarter
Some things never change
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
Medicare for all
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
This hit way too close to home today
I told my barista I didn’t think he should be wearing a face mask. ‘I’m not’, he said,…
'it's a coughy filter.'
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
haha wife ugly
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
This guy hiding Waldo, and the kids that will never find him.
Newton would be proud
First and foremost, you’re right to be concerned.
A rare find! Lefty Boomer!
Phone replaces mom and dad
Two American journalists are in London.
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
fresh off facebook
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry…. we can't hire you." "But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
The actual Trump wall
Everything is technology
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
He got my expectations up
Amazon Go store automatically bills protesters for looted merchandise
Let’s help them share their success
I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’ ‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back. ‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly ‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said
Meals of the day
Dog is calling…