Idk id this goes here…
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term.
Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
I once wanted to do biochem research… Turns out I didn’t pass the vibe check.
https://ift.tt/38nW58h
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
Butterflies
"This is my butterfly collection! We have a wide range. This is Fred- off there in the corner. The monarch. Beautiful pattern. We got him from the Toledo Zoo. But careful you don't startle him- he isn't the socialist of butterflies."
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
As a kid I always thought a snail would move faster without its shell…
But they only became more sluggish
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
A man is walking home late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears: BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and… The coffin stops.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
![[OC] That sinking feeling](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/g0njqonnv3r31-400x401.jpg)
It’s a known fact that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them
It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I skipped the gym today.
The elevator in my building wasn't working.
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied…..
Thanks for the Baghdad
I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce. Now give me my 7 upvotes
