Idk if this counts but I saw this on Instagram
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear
is sphere itself
How can you tell an ant’s gender?
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
National Dad Conference
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it” Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad” Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork Chop! (Overhear a little boy telling his mum, I’m sure he’ll grow up to be a great dad 😂)
Well, to be Frank, i’d have to change my name
No text found
I am scared of E minor.
It gives me the E B G Bs
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
If I had to describe myself in one word..
It would be "bad at following directions"
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass
Doctors describe his condition as stable
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
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What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt! Courtesy of my 11-year-old, Ben.