idk who snuck into my room and took this photo of me but here you go
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Horse code
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is steadily improving.
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.
Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.
I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Golf Joke…What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?
The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates…
St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl, "So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven. Next, "So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand." Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter. Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front. "Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds: "Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"
Why did the sperm go to class?
Because I wore the wrong socks today.
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