If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
No text found
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and a computer cable?
One's a British WASP, and the other is a USB.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never,"said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…"RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them it’s not my fault you don’t have windows.
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
