If a good romance starts with a good friendship, what does a bad romance start with?
Ra ra ra ah ah.
What’s the best Christmas present you could possibly get?
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
Bilbo Baggins suddenly woke up to “Don’t stop Believing.”
It was an unexpected Journey.
If you see a toilet in your dreams
Don't use it.
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
Two men with Alzheimer’s at the beach
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?” Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Don’t forget now Carl Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but
I decided to sit on it for a while
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. The man replied, "These are Carol's."
If God had low self esteem, would that make him an atheist?
Because he doesn’t believe in himself
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
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My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
My neighbors started makes sex videos.
They just don't know it yet.
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me." Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. "Now hold these in both hands," he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, "Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
