If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
Dad, are we Pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
https://ift.tt/2AMo9Xl
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
My mother handed me $20
"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
Joke
My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock
"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean
Good condition, only driven from time to time
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I went to the library looking for a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat
The librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
“Hey Bud, why don’t you use condoms?”
"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out
Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now