If a Scot gets slightly upset every time he’s mistaken for his Gaelic-speaking neighbors…
…that still makes him Ire-ish.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
You shouldn’t fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows…
“I went on a date with a girl to Yo Sushi,” said my buddy.
"How was it?" I asked. "Oh, you know…when one things lead to another…" he said coyly. "Yes," I replied. "That's called the conveyor belt."
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
How do you know so many dad jokes?
I have a dad-a-base.
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
Please leave your nominations as replies to this thread. All other comments will be deleted.You can nominate any comment or post in the subreddit that was posted during this year.You can nominate multiple posts or comments, but please make a separate comment for each.Make sure you directly link to the post or comment you’re nominating, and not the content.
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
Bad knock-knock joke #2
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
I created a graph explaining all my past relationships
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
Fun(ny way put) Facts About DNA | Science Is Fun
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozq9418Cs0o&feature=youtu.be
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
My 67 y/o quiet and shy dad wanted me to share his masterpiece across North America
https://ift.tt/39n5Cfp
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
conjuctivitis.com
now that's a site for sore eyes
What animal can jump higher than a mountain?
All of them, mountains can't jump.
Did you know that having too much sex causes memory loss?
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
