If anti-maskers existed during WWII
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes.
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.
A farmer asked his dad if he could round up his 36 sheep
“Sure,” said the dad “40.”
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I put in a cheque for the full amount."
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
The Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up…
They formed an alloy-ence
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
I want to be a pick-up artist
But I don't even have a drivers licence
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasn’t cockeyed for nothing
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
What is a porn stars favourite drink?
7-up in cider
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Thank goodness we have “judge” Jeanine Pirro to help us with the legal language.
https://ift.tt/2tO6Ql2
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
No text found
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, it’s borderline Chile.
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
It’s an exact model because the dna doesn’t change at all there’s just more of them
https://ift.tt/35YyhXa