If athletes get athlete’s foot then what do astronauts get?
This joke has me dead.
Because it waxes
Damn you to he’ll
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .
I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.
I named him Carson.
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me." To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied: "He went that way." After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq." The nun said: "I understand completely." The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don't want to go to Iraq either!
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
But when I got home all the signs were there.
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
It has grown on me
Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc. Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset. Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky. Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.