If athletes get athlete’s foot then what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C
You can’t C in the dark
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My son’s math teacher called him average
I just think he's mean
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer be supporting cheap lipstick? It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
In a quote she said "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis".
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back …
… he made a bolt for the door.
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
I bought my teenager candles for his room.
It’s pretty lit.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!