Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,
just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
Paddy’s night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
Just ordered eggs and a chicken off Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
Robber ties up guy and a girl
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the girl and guy. The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go…" Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want…" Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!" Robber: "Wow, fine, you must really love your wife" Guy: "What? No…. My wife is about to get home!"
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
I’m legally changing my last name to Osophy
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
Courtesy of my four year old
Q: What do baby corns call their daddy? A: Popcorn Edit: Woah, platinum! Thanks to the kind stranger! Gonna buy my kid an ice cream now, lmao!
Did you miss the IOKIYAR Amendment to the Constitution? It’s OK, If You’re A Republican.
https://ift.tt/37frKs1
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
I once played the triangle in a reggae band but I left
It was just one ting after another
Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea the better
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today!!!
That’s seven years in a row now!!
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.