Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease
Me: "How rare?" Doctor: "You pick the name"
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
Whoever stole my antidepressants
I hope you're happy now
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage
But I think this sub's doing even better!
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:
Some asshole has my pen
When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie
We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you". They meant it, they'd done it before. Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored and climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…