If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Why are gay people always smiling?
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My daughter yelled at me, “DAAAAAAAD! You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said, have you?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
How to follow instructions
An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?
The front row at a Trump rally.
Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people…
kinda like yo mamma.
A lemonade seller and the businessman.
A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices. "$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones." Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained silent. After giving it a thought for a while, the customer bought 5 full glasses of lemonade, giving the seller $15 (3×5). He drank all of them quickly and showed the seller 5 empty glasses, "I got 5 empty glasses only for $15, though the cost is $30. You see, what dirty tricks we businessmen are capable of!" The poor lemonade seller says, "Sir, I am an entrepreneur. You see I made you buy 5 glasses for no reason at all?" Edit : Ignore bad grammar please.
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
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I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and it’s gone
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
An old man is selling watermelons…
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business…"
This girl keeps coming into my pub holding up protest posters.
I think I'm going to banner.
[first day as a pilot]
me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the mars?
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
I turned to my son and asked him to name two pronouns.
He looked bewildered and replied, "Who, me?"
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
Wife was breastfeeding..
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in Me: yeah he is really milking it
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
What’s brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, “Wait, I can change!”
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner