If girls are called chicks then guys would be chucks.
What’s 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Why do dentists have so many trophies?
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.
A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes. “Have you ever had a hug?” She asked. “No.” So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug. Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man. “Aw look at you honey. Have you ever been kissed?” “No.” He says. She leans down and gives him a passionate kiss. Another few minutes pass and another stunning lady walks past. “Oh you poor thing…Have you ever been fucked?” “No.” “Well you will be soon, the tides coming in.”
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck.
You're still using fowl language.
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
I Don’t Think That Bulldog Is Willing To Cheer For Your Team
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down
My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it Edit: platinum 2 mins after posting. Thank you! Edit 2: It’s raining platinum, hallelujah! Thank you everyone!
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
Satan probably has some thoughts but I think his Twitter account is currently suspended
https://ift.tt/2Uwx8mV
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange.
A young guy goes to a doctor, complaining that his penis has turned orange. The man looks healthy enough, dressed well, clean shaven, etc., but when the doctor asks him to pull down his pants, sure enough, his penis is bright orange! The doctor has never seen a case like this before, so he begins to a full work-up on the patient. His temperature is good, his blood pressure is fine, blood tests come back normal… so the doctor says to the guy, "Everything physically appears fine with you. Let's discuss your lifestyle… tell me about your average day? Is it stressful?" The guy replies, "Not stressful at all, doc. See, I was born into money, I have never worked a day in my life. I have all I need; multiple homes and cars, beautiful art, women on my arm at any time, nothing is stressful! I literally just sit around all day, watching porn and eating Cheetos…"
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
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My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
My sister bet me £15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should of seen the look on her face as i drove pasta
What’s the smartest mountain in the world?
Mt. Cleverest.