What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, โThis isnโt for me.โ
Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture
But now I stand corrected
What starts with โfโ and ends with โkโ?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, โHarry, what exactly is your problem?โ Harry answered, โI'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!โ Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test. Principal: โWhat is 3 x 3?โ Harry: โ9.โ Principal: โWhat is 6 x 6?โ Harry: โ36.โ And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, โYโknow, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.โ But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, โNot so fast, let me ask him a few questions.โ The principal and Harry both agree. Ms. Brooks asks, โWhat does a cow have four of that I have only two of?โ Harry, after a moment: โLegs.โ Ms. Brooks: โWhat is in your pants that you have but I do not have?โ The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: โPockets.โ to the Principalโs great relief. Ms. Brooks: โWhat does a dog do that a man steps into?โ Harry: โPants.โ By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: โWhat goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?โ Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, โBubble gum.โ Ms. Brooks: โWhat does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?โ Harry: โShake hands.โ The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question. Ms. Brooks: โWhat word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?โ Harry: โFiretruck.โ The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, โPut the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.โ
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so damn good at it.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Four friends who hadnโt seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadnโt seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, โMy son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.โ The second guy said, โDarn, Thatโs terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. Heโs so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.โ The third man said, โWell, thatโs terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.โ The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: โWhat are all the congratulations for?โ One of the three said: โWe were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?โ The fourth man replied: โMy son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.โ The three friends said: โWhat a shame… what a disappointment.โ The fourth man replied: โNo, Iโm not ashamed. Heโs my son and I love him. And he hasnโt done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansionโฆa brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!โ
Different Boobs and Dicks
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, โDad, how many kinds of boobs are there?โ The father, surprised, answers, โWell, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a womanโs breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.โ โOnions?โ the son asks. โYes. You see them and they make you cry.โ This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, โMom, how many different kinds of willies are there?โ The mother smiles and says, โWell, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, itโs like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, itโs like a Christmas tree.โ โA Christmas tree?โ the daughter asks. โYes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.โ
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
This morning, Siri said, โDonโt call me Shirley.โ.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big “everything under one roof” stores looking for a job.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
I have a lot of jokes about the unemployed people
But none of them work!!
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the manโs wife says, โKeep it on porn, you already know how to fish.โ
What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yellsโฆ "SUPPLIES!"
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
Whenever Iโm in trouble, I think, ‘what would Jesus do?’
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
A bodybuilder and a blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. โPardon me, sir,โ the mailman says, โbut you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, itโs only going to end up back at your home in a few days.โ โAh, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so againโ replies the Buddhist monk. โBut sir,โ says mailman, โyou will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.โ โBut that is my intention, dear man,โ replies the Buddhist monk. โYou see, reposting is the best way to get karma.โ
Why do prisoners make bad musicians?
Because they're always behind a few bars and can't find the key.