If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
A good buoy
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
and a Czech one too.
…don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
shelving them was cucumbersome
It ended in a tie! 👔
But it’s definitely up there.
It was mother fucking gold
They have tiny little antibodies…
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
Because the captain was standing on the deck
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well. The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat. The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!” The priest says “Do we have time?”
Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt. The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it. Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're my driver, and apologize." A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Trump asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits and even gave him some of their dinner. Back on the road, the driver hits another pig that wandered onto the road. He goes and tells the farmer's family, but when he comes back, he says the family was overjoyed and gave him a bottle of liquor. The driver hits a third pig that was on the road, but this time, Trump secretly follows him to see why the people would be so happy. When the farmer comes to the door, the driver announces, "I'm President Trump’s driver, the pig is dead!"
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
To beat the crowd.
It's morphine time.
They’ve left no tern unstoned
A metalhead \M/
Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart." The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this meal."
So I gave him a glass of water…