If I don’t reblog this assume I’m dead
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
I now live in constant fear.
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with: First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe. The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat. But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day. Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling
Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.
The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?” The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.” The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll make it 5 just to be safe.” The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, “How much do you want it to be?”
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
but she was just pulling my leg.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
It's so refreshing
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
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I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
He doesn't like to be spotted.
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
It was too main stream
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
Guy walks into a bar. He sees a jar full of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender what it’s for.
"I have a horse in the stable behind the bar. You put in twenty bucks and try to make my horse laugh. If you make him laugh, the whole jar is yours but if you fail then you're out twenty bucks." So the guy puts in twenty, goes to the stable and a minute later the horse is laughing hysterically. Guy walks back to the bar and without saying a word to the bartender, who has a stupefied look on his face, takes the jar of twenties and leaves. A year later the same guy comes back to the bar and sees another jar full of twenties. He asks the bartender what it's for this time. "Well, ever since you came in here last year, my damn horse hasn't stopped laughing. You put in twenty bucks and if you can make him stop laughing the jar is yours." The guy puts in another twenty and goes to the stable. A minute later, dead silence. Not a sound from the horse. Guy walks back and picks up the jar. As he's about to leave, the bartender says "Hey wait a minute. You gotta tell me how you made my horse laugh and stop laughing when everyone else couldn't do either." The guy says "The first time I told your horse that my dick is bigger than his. The second time I proved it."
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
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They both go broom broom
Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! Knock knock. Who's there? Anna. Anna who? Anna happy new year! Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit 🙂