If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says “This is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”
Bartender says “Sure… If you say so. Now please leave.” Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.” Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?” Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.” Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!” Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth” Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!” Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
And says "A beer please and one for the road."
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
Near Mint Condition!!!
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people
Should get a nobell prize
the snow balls
So instead, a sub Reddit.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
Yes, we arson.
…..but I never got the chants.
Somewhere in the high c's.
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
The Chargers suck.
A nickeless cage.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Let's go ride bikes!
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
It was sole destroying.
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
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It’s really been a great cake day
Because you can't C in the dark.