If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?
Sorry, wrong sub
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.
She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
Very little
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
The townspeople of little Italy has been real quiet recently…
The townspeople of little Italy has been real quiet recently…
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
I have a fear of giants
Feefiphobia.
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
What did the DJ name his son?
https://ift.tt/338Kd76
A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus….
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we are friends."
Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?
His blood tested positive for Coke.
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
Why can’t the eel and the eagle work together?
Because it would be EelEagle
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”