If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
An airplane was about to crash…
There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, “My boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!” The young boy replied “That’s ok your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for the both of us, America’s smartest President took my school bag!”
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
How does music say goodbye
Audios
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasn’t happy
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Still no toilet paper at the store today…
My dad said they’re wiped out
Minecraft is Racist
Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water–they can't swim.
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
There are so many beautiful castles in Wales, but I only had time to visit one.
I chose Caerphilly.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
A pregnant woman falls into a deep coma
Months later she wakes up, and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: Don't worry, they're just fine. You had twins, a boy and a girl, and your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name them? Doctor: Well, the girl is called Denise. Woman: Oh, that's not too bad! What about the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I’m a cop
I go under cover.
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
A penguin is driving his car
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."