If I had to choose between eating my lunch at a park, or sitting at home watching Nickelodeon all day..
I’d pick nick.
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I realized I’m not great in manipulating people.
I’m more of a so-sopath.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
I created a graph explaining all my past relationships
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?” The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
Subliminal thots
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
Could you imagine the alphabet without the letter B?
It's easy, if you make B leave.
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
“Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it”
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.
He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.” The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N-T!” The Pope smiles and claps his hands. “Wonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?”
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer…” pauses for effect “…I guess I let it go to my head.”
My piano teacher is the last person you would expect to show this to her students
https://ift.tt/3cmud6T
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
What does Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
They both died to become the icon of saving
A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt
I told her she was just pulling my leg.