If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
Not to brag, but I beat the local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came of some use.
A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.
Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian! So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says “Ethan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” His friend said, “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! They both decide to go to their Synagogue and talk to the Rabbi. “Rabbi, Ethan and I sent our sons over to Jerusalem, and they came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” the Rabbi said “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! Utterly dumbfounded, all three of the men decide to fly over to Jerusalem to see if they can get any answers. The three men arrive in Jerusalem and looked around for the better part of a day and found no clues. So, they go to the West wall and kneel down. The Rabbi prays, “Oh, God! Give us wisdom. We sent our sons to Jerusalem, and each one came back Christian”! As they were kneeling, God said, ”That’s odd…” Edit: a word
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I recently failed my Medical College entrance exam because of nerves.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
I never use pushpins at work so my boss called the police. Now I’m going to jail.
They’re charging me with tacks evasion.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates
St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead – with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, the Scotsman replies “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. The Irishman replies “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself “Fucking income tax”
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
As far as disabilities go, being mute isn’t that bad…
But I can't speak for everyone.
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
Its called inflation.
My penis talked to me once…
Turns out he's a real dick.
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’