If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something
There was no coffin at his funeral!
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.
and not using commas.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
Don't worry, he's 0K
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house. Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha. 8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock Me: Who's there 8yo: The chicken.
With an itheberg
It’s all about raisin awareness.
She looked surprised
A private tutor
I said toucan play that game.
As mushroom as possible.
It got so bad he went baroque!
The library,it's got the most stories
Me: That makes two of us.
The golfer replies, " In case I get a hole in one."
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
He just came out of the closet.
I got bored one day (horny kind of bored) and thought about reading an erotica. Not really what I'm used to, but I decided to give it a try. I came across a fan-fiction based on the Harry Potter series and started there. I couldn't believe it. It turned out to be really arousing, and actually quite entertaining. Page after page I was getting closer and closer to my climax, yet I couldn't stop reading and found myself getting really tied into the story. Every sentence and every paragraph in every chapter had me so turned on. Until a chapter that took place in a cell in Azkaban, where Harry started passionately kissing his godfather. My libido extinguished immediately, and all sexual desire gone. I just couldn't continue. It was too absurd. I mean come on Harry. You can't be fucking Sirius!
1. 2. 3.
“Yes, we arson.”
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
…there's never any money in there.
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
does that make you an iWitness?
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"