If I stop playing right now, does that mean I’m giving her the cold shoulder?
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went
Then……. it dawned on me
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
What do you call a cardigan that you don’t wear anymore?
A Discardigan.
Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine…
The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing. "God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says. "Things come and things go", the rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our misfortune?" "Don't mind if I do", the Pope says. The rabbi gets a bottle of cognac from his car and pours the Pope and himself a drink. The Pope drinks his cup, but the rabbit does not drink his. "Why aren't you drinking?" the Pope asks. "Me?" the rabbi asks, "I'll wait for the police to show up".
Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
I got a job grooming police horses
I hate working with the fuzz… But it's a stable job.
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla comes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this? Man: It’s a lime. Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else? The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table. Woman: Is everything ok? Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes.
A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.
He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him. The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand. He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack. Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand. This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it. One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.” The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
My wife got mad at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
![We are all [synonym for socialists] on this blessed day](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/pyzao67ro1o41-400x267.jpg)
She lived in a houseboat
Swans listened to her rock and roll
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti
So I put in a re-straining order.
