If I was a plant ..
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone". With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."
The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer. Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!” The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.” So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “Wow! That tastes just like Coke!” “Yup, and now turn it around.” The customer turned the apple with his fingers and took a bite out of the other side. His eyes closed and squinted and after he swallowed he said “ Oof, man that tastes just like Jack, and it sure is strong too!” He took his apple with him to a seat further down the bar. A few minutes later another man walks in and asks for a cranberry vodka and Sprite. Once again the bartender reached behind the counter and gave his patron an apple, bright white and shiny, and the patron said “Hey, what gives? I asked you for a drink, not an apple!” The bartender said “Go a head and take a bite” So the customer took a bite and and his eyebrows shifted curiously “Huh, that tastes a lot like Sprite.” “Mmhm. Now turn it around” The patron did so, and took another bite, and when he did, he was blown away, leaning backwards and staring in amazement at the apple. “That tastes just like cranberry vodka! And it sure is boozy!” A few apples later, a third man walks into the bar. Before he can order, however, the previous two patrons exclaimed to him. “Dude, this place is amazing, the bartender can give you an apple that tastes like whatever you ask for!” Said the first man. The second chimed in “Yeah man, it’s incredible!” He held up his apple “I’m on my fifth cranberry vodka and Sprite!” The new man thinks about his order and says “Anything at all huh? Mr. bartender, I want an apple that tastes like pussy!” So the barkeep reached behind the counter and pulled out a big, pink apple that was almost shaped like a heart. The new customer enthusiastically took a big bite of the apple and after a few chews he violently shook his head in disgust, and spat the piece of apple on the the ground halfway across the bar. “EEEEUGh! That was absolutely disgusting, barkeep, that apple, it… it tasted… it tasted like ABSOLUTE ASS!” That’s when everyone in the bar shouted “TURN IT AROUND!”
I had sex last night with 2 blonde hair, blue eyed 18 year old twins that I met in a bar. I was telling my best friend about it this morning and he said "I don't understand the attraction, wouldn't it be like just having sex twice with the same person? Could you even tell them apart?" I said "Sure Kim had a cute little beauty mark just under her chin, and her twin Tim has a dick."
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
Remains to be seen.
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
He liked to pump irony.
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
From a cattle log.
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
A synonym roll
From a distance they looked like hares.
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
The prose outweighs the cons.
…has only made me stronger.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. “It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. My brothers haven’t been affected tho."
..But its definitely worth a shot.
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.
I can’t express how angry that makes me.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin…
I told her we use names now.