I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
The animals on the Ark wanted to play cards but they couldn’t.
Noah was standing on the deck.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
The waterbed salesman called out to me: “NOW WITH SHIATSU MASSAGE!!!”
"Really?" I asked. "Sure!" he said. "Just fill it with tap water."
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
What is the difference between an epileptic clam shucker and a hooker with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
I’d tell you a joke about a roof…
But it would be over your head.
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
Sony, Panasonic, Toshiba.
They're all stereo types.
An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
Has anyone else noticed that it’s the comedians that are speaking the most sense these days?
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I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones!
But the people in Abu Dhabi do!
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”