If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it crucifact.
Leo has left the building, maybe not..
I asked a train engineer how many times he’s derailed the train.
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
Says one spice to another
Hard to reproduce bugs
I got bored in class today learning about cells, so i made this. Its not very good ik
Living while black
We all have bills to pay
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Developers approving pull requests
What will you do if that’s get true?
They should make a film series about a guy who uses candles as weapons.
Call it John Wick.
Baby yoda is the pea then
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A head banger
Land Free Toilet Lickers”
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Kid: what does a condom do?
Dad: nothing, apparently.
Schrödinger’s Cat Meme
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
This is so brutally honest
For profit President
Seriously why does this exist
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
How likely are you to tell your co-workers about docker?
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”
Junior vs Senior
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
Reddit in a nut shell
This man didn’t ever have a GitHub account
haha science lover😎
These guys are the symptom, not the disease (Actually they’re the disease also)
Narcissistic personality disorder
Its just to hold on to the buzzword
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
What is the german word for constipation?
I hate spelling errors!
You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined
Telemetry is one thing…
My daughter yelled at me, “DAAAAAAAD! You haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said, have you?”
What a strange way to start a conversation
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
No text found
Graphic design is my passion
My coworker posted this and everything about it screamed r/boomershumor
Feel bad for the people around him
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, "Uh… No, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
“Now give me my newspaper so I can read that on the can instead!”
A wine to solve old people problems
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
It’s because they look up to me.
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
My mom just sent this in the family group chat
Nothing outta place here
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
There are 10 kinds of people…
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”
“If your name is Michael, please stand up” Then a couple dudes stand up And he goes “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
Even coffee can’t fix this bug