If Jesus was real they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…

He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".

"Seasoned Greetings"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

Because people are losing their shit.

He orders a bear.

Call it John Wick.

A head banger

So he rounded them up.

A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

Dad: nothing, apparently.

No it’s not

He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"

Its literally made of hide.

I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.

“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”

The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Because it's the scenter

Fahrfrompoopin

You can mess up just two letters and your whole post is urined

What a strange way to start a conversation

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

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He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"

So a‌‌ v‌‌olunteer p‌‌aid t‌‌he l‌‌awyer a‌‌ v‌‌isit i‌‌n h‌‌is l‌‌avish o‌‌ffice. T‌‌he v‌‌olunteer o‌‌pened t‌‌he m‌‌eeting b‌‌y s‌‌aying, "‌‌Our r‌‌esearch s‌‌hows t‌‌hat e‌‌ven t‌‌hough y‌‌our a‌‌nnual i‌‌ncome i‌‌s o‌‌ver t‌‌wo m‌‌illion d‌‌ollars, y‌‌ou d‌‌on't g‌‌ive a‌‌ p‌‌enny t‌‌o c‌‌harity. W‌‌ouldn't y‌‌ou l‌‌ike t‌‌o g‌‌ive s‌‌omething b‌‌ack t‌‌o y‌‌our c‌‌ommunity?" The l‌‌awyer t‌‌hinks f‌‌or a‌‌ m‌‌inute a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌First, d‌‌id y‌‌our r‌‌esearch a‌‌lso s‌‌how y‌‌ou t‌‌hat m‌‌y m‌‌other i‌‌s d‌‌ying a‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌ainful i‌‌llness, a‌‌nd s‌‌he h‌‌as h‌‌uge m‌‌edical b‌‌ills t‌‌hat a‌‌re f‌‌ar b‌‌eyond h‌‌er a‌‌bility t‌‌o p‌‌ay?" Embarrassed, t‌‌he r‌‌ep m‌‌umbles, "‌‌Uh… N‌‌o, I‌‌ d‌‌idn't k‌‌now t‌‌hat." "Secondly," s‌‌ays t‌‌he l‌‌awyer, "‌‌did i‌‌t s‌‌how t‌‌hat m‌‌y b‌‌rother, a‌‌ d‌‌isabled V‌‌eteran, i‌‌s b‌‌lind a‌‌nd c‌‌onfined t‌‌o a‌‌ w‌‌heelchair a‌‌nd i‌‌s u‌‌nable t‌‌o s‌‌upport h‌‌is w‌‌ife a‌‌nd s‌‌ix c‌‌hildren?" The s‌‌tricken r‌‌ep b‌‌egins t‌‌o s‌‌tammer a‌‌n a‌‌pology, b‌‌ut i‌‌s c‌‌ut o‌‌ff a‌‌gain. "Thirdly, d‌‌id y‌‌our r‌‌esearch a‌‌lso s‌‌how y‌‌ou t‌‌hat m‌‌y s‌‌ister's h‌‌usband d‌‌ied i‌‌n a‌‌ d‌‌readful c‌‌ar a‌‌ccident, l‌‌eaving h‌‌er p‌‌enniless w‌‌ith a‌‌ m‌‌ortgage a‌‌nd t‌‌hree c‌‌hildren, o‌‌ne o‌‌f w‌‌hom i‌‌s d‌‌isabled a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌hat h‌‌as l‌‌earning d‌‌isabilities r‌‌equiring a‌‌n a‌‌rray o‌‌f p‌‌rivate t‌‌utors?" The h‌‌umiliated r‌‌ep, c‌‌ompletely b‌‌eaten, s‌‌ays, "‌‌I'm s‌‌o s‌‌orry. I‌‌ h‌‌ad n‌‌o i‌‌dea." And t‌‌he l‌‌awyer s‌‌ays, "‌‌So, i‌‌f I‌‌ d‌‌idn't g‌‌ive a‌‌ny m‌‌oney t‌‌o t‌‌hem, w‌‌hat m‌‌akes y‌‌ou t‌‌hink I‌‌'d g‌‌ive a‌‌ny t‌‌o y‌‌ou?"

By walking… JK rolling

you throw him into the mainstream

Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

It’s because they look up to me.

My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!

Lazy.

Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta

So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

They relish the moment.

Those who understand binary and those who don't.

“If your name is Michael, please stand up” Then a couple dudes stand up And he goes “That concludes the mike check” ​ stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi