If Jesus were still alive, what kind of car would he drive?
It will be the last thing I do.
I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free!” “Great” she said. ”Can you watch my dog?”
it's the thot that counts.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
I don’t know he ransomware.
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. “Aye right Show me.” Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks “who’s been a good boy then?” Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. “what he say?” Mate asks
"woof" guy replies
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
now it's a disapointsettia.
Because attachments are forbidden
But none of them work.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
Take off the ring and your house is gone
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
If only they could see me now!
For fingering a minor.
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
Ahhh, it takes me back.
He pulled a muscle.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
Once upon a time there was a little town called Trid. The Trids were an industrious people who traded with other towns outside of their little valley. One day, a giant appeared on the hilltops surrounding Trid. Every time a trade caravan would leave, the giant would kick them back down the hill. Over the days, the Trids began to grow afraid that they would starve without their bustling trade economy, so they held a town meeting to figure out what to do about the giant. They decided to try and reason with him before they would fight him, and that the wisest among them should go out the following day. Unanimously, they elected the town Rabbi as the wisest man. So the next day, the Rabbi went out to speak to the giant. He got kicked back down the hills before he could even say a word. He went up a second time with the same result. Although battered and bruised, he tried one last time. Before the giant could kick him he yelled out, "Stop!" And the giant actually stopped. "What is it?" the giant asked. "I'm the local Rabbi and I represent the Trids" the Rabbi replied. "We want to you to stop kicking us down the hills or we'll starve. Will you stop kicking us?" The giant looked down at him with a gleam in his eyes and a slight smile on his lips and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
She keeps asking how my food is.
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
You become a vacuum cleaner
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
It was a little condescending
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
But go slow; I'm listening.
It's always been so supportive.
A – meano -acid