If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable Wi-Fi!
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
Put a load in the dishwasher earlier
My wife prefers to call it intercourse
I would tell you guys a joke about this girl I know who only eats greens, however
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.
I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
What is the first rule of stealing someones shoes.
Pick on someone your own size.
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn't autocorrect
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex…
Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?
A Gentlemanly Bragging Contest
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing the wonderful screams that passion can evoke . . . The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for two minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for three minutes." The Englishman said: "That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours." The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?" The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.
It's a step by step guide.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.