If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?

One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? – No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense

The Gregorian calendar

He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."

His name is Rick O’Shea.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

Os-Moses.

I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.

Sir Anwrap

An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

The hip consultant

Head

"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."

then soviet

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind 😉 ​ Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the engine and scratching her head. ​ Jim Bob "What's the problem miss?" ​ Lady "I don't know maybe you can tell?" ​ Jim Bob and John Boy take a look and find the radiator hose is broken and tell her. ​ Lady "Is there someplace nearby I can get it fixed" ​ John Boy "The nearest place is about six miles down the road but it's after five so it's already closed." ​ Lady "Is there a motel nearby that I can stay the night?" ​ Jim Bob "The nearest place is about three miles down the road but our truck is broked so we can't take you there." ​ Lady "Well can I stay at your place for the night?" ​ John Boy "Sure but we only have one bed." ​ Lady "That's O.K., I just need a place to stay." ​ After dinner they went to bed, the lady in the middle started to play with their penises. As they became erect she reaches into her purse whips out a couple of condoms and hands them to Jim Bob and John Boy. ​ Jim Bob "What are these things for?" ​ Lady "These are so I don't get pregnant." ​ They all have sex for a couple hours and in the morning they call the tow truck and send her on her way. ​ About six months later Jim Bob and John Boy are sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow… ​ Jim Bob "Do you really care if that woman gets pregnant?" ​ John Boy "No." ​ Jim Bob "THEN LET'S TAKE THESE THINGS OFF!" ​ Thank again for cheering me up 🙂

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

we can use coughy filters

because its dead

[deleted]

I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"

That’s just how I roll.

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."

Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Time will tell.

A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"

But none of them work.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..

But I don't see it

BUT MY KEYBOARD WAS BROKEN.

"Well prayed"

It doesn't last long for fat people